


Losing Him Again

by xbluemist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Albus Severus Potter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gay Scorpius Malfoy, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Insecurities, M/M, Nightmares, Oblivious Albus, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pining, Romantic Tension, Scorpius is sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Summer, he's a good friend though, some references to the CC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23613781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xbluemist/pseuds/xbluemist
Summary: Scorpius knows it can't possibly happen. Heknowsthat. But... what actual guarantee does he have, really? Albus is no longer only his. What does he have that his best friend couldn't find in anyone else? He's nothing special.Most of all, he's not a girl.
Relationships: Albus Severus Potter/Original Female Character(s), Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter
Comments: 8
Kudos: 73





	Losing Him Again

"Come on, Scor! Stop fucking fretting, you'll be fine!"

Scorpius crosses his arms over his bare chest and pouts; a behaviour truly unbecoming of a mature wizard, he is seventeen, after all.

_But that doesn't mean he'll be running around with closed eyes and a stupid grin on his face like there's no tomorrow!_

"Jesus." Al swims over to him. "Here, I'll catch you." He puts both of his arms out towards him. "Come on, mate!"

Scorpius shoots his best friend an incredulous look. "I don't see how me landing on top of you would be any less risky than jumping straight into the water."

It _is_ shallow. At least for Scorpius.

Albus shrugs. "Maybe it isn't. Are you jumping then? Come on! I did it and I'm fine. See?"

Oh yes, Scorpius _does_ see just how _fine_ Albus is. He chooses not to dwell on the beauty of the sight of his wet and mostly naked best friend, however, since his swim trunks are definitely _not_ designed to keep _things_ from tenting them.

And Scorpius' imagination has been in constant overwork ever since he hit thirteen.

"I'm glad _you_ are fine. But I'll choose the more safe method of getting into the water, if that's alright with you?" he teases, kneeling to slide down the slope.

"Whatever, do your thing."

Next moment, however, Scorpius is spluttering, clinging to the other boy, his poor brain apparently under too much of a shock to comprehend how the hell he found himself suddenly in the water.

"Albus!" He gets off his laughing friend, shivering slightly in the cool water. It is a hot, stifling summer but they are out late in the evening and the water has already lost some of the heat. "Are you mental?"

"Who knows, possibly. But look, you're still in one piece. Everything's fine, eh?" He splashes water on Scorpius.

"You're insufferable," Scorpius grunts.

"You're still my friend after all those years, so I'm forced to assume there is something about me that is at least more than sufferable," Al points out cheekily, swimming in circles around Scorpius who's trying to warm himself up in the water.

He does not like the cold.

"Yeah, I especially love your inflated ego."

That earns him another splash.

Rightly so, Scorpius has to admit.

He doesn't know when it happened, but soon the sky is much darker and the last rays of the sun have long ago left the air. He only realises how late it is when he can't stop shivering.

They gather their clothes and, not bothering to put them back on, they rush to their summer house. Where, as they expected, an aggravated Harry Potter is waiting for them as they step through the front door.

Scorpius wants to disappear into the wall when, upon his dad's scolding, Albus starts complaining that _he's not a fucking kid and can take care of himself, for god's sake_. Which, obviously, doesn't make his dad happy.

"As far as I'm concerned, you could even be older than Dumbledore and we will still worry about you. Not because we think you're irresponsible but because you're our child, Albus." Harry's voice is calm but firm, and Albus shrugs, defeated. "Now, go take a shower, boys. Supper is waiting in the kitchen. Okay?"

"Okay, dad. Sorry."

"Just don't do it again and we'll be fine." Harry pats him on the arm. "Sorry for that, Scorpius."

Scorpius smiles tightly at him and, as the man walks away, turns to his friend. "Come on, Al, I think I got some water plant stuck _you-know-where_."

"Eh, you. Told you, mate, better buy yourself a decent pair of speedos."

"You might not share this problem but I would feel very self-conscious in something so tight and small."

"Pure-bloods," Al mutters with an ostentatious eye-roll. Before slapping Scorpius' arse with his damp towel. "Go first then."

Scorpius doesn't think twice; he really hates how easily his body reacts to Albus. Even a bloody towel becomes sexy when it's handled by him.

But Albus has used it to rub water off his golden skin...

After a good few hours of close physical contact with his nearly naked best friend, a.k.a., the boy he has been crushing on for-bloody-ever, Scorpius finds himself in a very special mood, quite understandably; he doubts it would take long for him to take care of his _little problem_.

He's still somewhat flushed as he finishes his supper a bit later, mainly because – of course – his brain remains overactive, and the fantasy it had conjured for him in the shower left him somewhat more horny (and longing), which, obviously, makes his wayward mind add a sexual twist to everything Al does.

Which is why, as they sit together later in their shared room, Albus being rather animated as he rambles on and on about all the things he wants to do with Scorpius (trip-wise, not the...), Scorpius finds it a challenge to stay focused for more than five minutes. He gets lost in watching his best friend (surreptitiously, of course), admiring his handsome features or imagining how his voice would sound if he was talking to Scorpius in that wonderfully obscene way he dreams about occasionally–

"Scor, what are you doing?"

The reality slaps him in the face. He tears his gaze off Albus' lips, heart thundering in his chest as his body breaks in a cold sweat.

"Your freckles." How he manages to make his voice completely unaffected? He doesn't know. It's one of those life-saving (or in this case, friendship-saving) miracles one should simply take for what they are and be grateful that they happened to him. "They look different today. Are you okay? It might be the beginning of a skin condition..." Not quite realising what he's doing, he reaches out to touch Al's face.

Al pats his hands away. It's a playful gesture but nonetheless, it reminds Scorpius that this is one of those things he can't just _do_ and expect Al to be okay with. Apparently.

"My freckles say they're perfectly fine, thanks. You've been acting strange recently, you know? Is it like, your new way of coping with stress?"

Scorpius frowns. He's been acting strange? As in, stranger than he usually does?

Crap. He thought he has it under control.

"Maybe," he says weakly, choosing to stretch casually because this nervous agitation is filling him again.

One shouldn't feel nervous around his best friend, right? Right. But Albus is more to Scorpius than a best friend.

Scorpius has been agonizing – and that is not an exaggeration, unfortunately – over making a move on Albus for good two years now. It isn't easy to fight through years of anxiety and fear. Is it worth losing his friend like that, after all? Scorpius knows he would sell his soul for Albus. But so far he's selling his happiness, keeping his mouth shut. And it hurts.

When in their fourth year Albus got himself a girlfriend ("gotta try it all, mate!"), Scorpius would have a hard time focusing on the simplest daily tasks for a few heavy weeks. He remembers it. He remembers how, when Albus broke up with her (although Scorpius wasn't sure who actually broke up with whom, since the whole situation seemed to have taken its toll on the poor Al), he begged the universe not to ever have to go through it again.

But the universe is not a loving parent that will gather you in his arms and tell you, "I'll take care of you, it'll be okay". The universe is a mass of atoms, nothing more. It's cold and ruthless.

Scorpius should have known better than to hope for the nightmare to end.

Two years have passed. It is all normal. They passed their OWLs with satisfying marks ("WHAT THE BLOODY HELL. Scor. I need glasses. Or a sobering potion. I'm hallucinating. Slap me."), then suffered through a hell of a year of revisions, and are now entering their final, seventh year at Hogwarts. All the glory upon them.

And then Albus finds himself a new girlfriend.

Just when Scorpius was gathering the courage to _finally_ ask Al out after two years of helpless pining. _Isn't his life just bloody lovely_.

And, just like he feared he would, Scorpius is experiencing that darkness again. But this time it's upgraded. How? Why? Perhaps the fact that he hasn't really processed any of his previous pain has something to do with it. It's all still very much there, hiding in the dark, distant corners of his mind.

But not only that. Back in their fourth year, they were still young and stupid. Far from getting anywhere. But the seventh year is a different thing entirely. It's a year when most people have a clear future in their minds, skills polished, and form bonds that would last forever.

Everything is so much more serious.

Yet Scorpius is still very much that same scared, anxious, insecure boy he was back then. He might be a Head Boy. He might be an A+ student in their year. He might be a promising healer-soon-to-start-training.

But deep inside, that little boy that had suffered is still hurting. The wound has never been healed.

Compared to now, the anguish he went through when Al got together with his first girlfriend seems silly. _This_ time, however – this time it's serious. It sounds serious – when Al talks about her. It looks serious – when Scorpius watches them interact. It isn't that same childish playfulness and silly courting that doesn't really mean anything but everyone treats it like a big deal. It seems _more_. More grown-up. More stable.

More fixed.

Scorpius isn't the only one who Albus goes to for comfort anymore. He isn't the only one Albus craves the company of anymore.

He isn't the only one in Albus' life. Albus now has a lovely girl by his side, and Scorpius feels vaguely guilty for hating her because he sees that she is someone whom he can entrust Albus and be sure that the love of his life is in good hands.

Perhaps better than Scorpius'.

_We'll be better off without each other._

_Albus will be better off without Scorpius._

All the more frequent are now his worries – unreasonable as Scorpius knows they are – that Albus will eventually slip out of Scorpius' life, upon realising that he doesn't need to keep being friends with that weird, boring, grey person that Scorpius truly is.

The constant inner talk of "you're not enough for Albus", "you don't fit Albus' standards. And you're a _guy_ , stupid", "who would ever want a boyfriend like you? Be grateful that you've got yourself a friend. Albus is a treasure. _You can't lose him_. Without him, you'll be NO ONE" is sucking the life force out of him, ounce by ounce, until he's not able to recognize himself.

The thoughts are like freezing charms, paralyzing Scorpius inside out. He feels like he's losing contact with himself. The sharp coil of jealousy at the sight of his best friend with someone else seems to be the past; nowadays he's only able to feel a stifling ache somewhere in his chest, a distant echo of pain and fear and anger that can't quite reach his detached sense of self.

What is even going on with him? He doesn't know, not really. He only knows that it is cold and dark and icky. He's afraid to look at it. He's scared of this monster; scared that it will hurt the one he loves the most.

It's not Albus' fault.

Scorpius doesn't want to burden him with the darkness that even he himself avoids addressing.

Albus never notices. Because Scorpius doesn't want him to. If he really wanted, he could pretend like he's being given Orders of Merlin for it.

Except that for him, it is Albus' happiness that is the ultimate prize. That he can keep Al the carefree boy that he deserves to be is the best Scorpius could give him.

And if he ever feels angry at Albus for not being there when he most needs him, he can only blame himself. He knows Albus would rush to comfort him if he learned Scorpius is hurting. It was Scorpius' conscious choice not to burden his friend with the truth. Albus is the type who simply vents everything as it goes. Scorpius, on the other hand, is the type to hide everything that hurts him and let it contaminate him until he eventually breaks anyway.

Has he not learned his lesson?

Clearly not.

Days are now full of pointy, prickly moments but they are bearable. He's able to keep himself busy, to a degree. Nights, however, are the time when the demons have all the space to spread their wings and mess with Scorpius' head.

He closes his eyes and tries to not think. Tries to erase any thoughts.

There are so many...

They are thick and messy, buzzing like furious hornets. He can't hear his breathing anymore: thoughts and memories invade his consciousness, ugly and misshapen, and it all looks too much like a nightmare. Another nightmare. The hard faces of their bullies. Their sneering voices carrying dirt. Scorpius would try to shut them down, erase them from his reality. Albus would fight, talk back.

Thus, Scorpius proves, constantly, to be useless in those battles. He's certain Albus' life would have been easier had he not kept their friendship up.

Now, his world is full of doubt and unanswered questions. He's supposed to be a mature man, but here he is again, curled up in his bed, trying not to let the tears break the dam and fall.

It's difficult. Because this bloody darkness – it's everywhere. What does the real world look like? He doesn't remember. Maybe he never knew, in the first place.

Albus has been his only true light for a long time, and when his head breaks the eerily calm surface of the Black Lake and he is _alone_ , a cold stone settles in his chest, pulling him down.

"Albus! Please, come out, come out! Where are you?! _Why are you leaving me again?_ "

He's trying to swim, but his arms are heavy. He's stuck in the same place, a lonely spot on the vast splotch of darkness amongst the familiar landscape that now lost all its beautiful colours.

Where is the sun?

Where is Albus?!

His body doesn't want to move anymore. It keeps pulling him down. His heart clenches in the overwhelming cold. He screams and chokes on the freezing water.

"HELP!"

A solid warmth appears suddenly, and he thrashes, terrified.

It's a trap. They want him gone. They lie to him.

He's not wanted. He's stupid and naive and clingy.

A silly kid that trusts, blindly, that the rest of the world will oh so gladly give him the love he lacks so, just because he's _kind_.

"Scor. Scorpius." The voice is firm, somewhere above him, and he looks up to see a golden ball hovering right out of his grip. He reaches out, fingers straining to touch it, but they meet nothing. The ball is there, warm and bright and beautiful, but it's merely a ghost.

"No, please, I need you! Please, don't– don't go away," Scorpius gasps, fighting for each subsequent breath, legs tangling in the bedsheets.

Albus' hands, shaky but firm, hold his own and Scorpius clings to the other boy, holding tight because the world is a hurricane and he needs a stable ground.

He needs Albus.

"I'm here, Scor, I am here. I'm not going anywhere. It's okay. Just breathe, breathe with me, alright? Inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale... There you go... Inhale... slowly... exhale..."

Although still shaking, Scorpius is regaining control over his breathing. His neck is bent uncomfortably, wet cheek pressed into Al's chest, but all that matters to him at that moment is that Al is here, with him, safe and sound.

That he wants to be there for Scorpius.

"Fuck," Scorpius chokes out, forcing himself to pull back, although every cell in his body screams at him to stay as close to Albus as possible.

"It's okay, Scor. Don't worry."

He shakes his head, guilt and shame creeping in now that his mindless panic has unfurled its slimy tentacles off his head and chest.

Fuck, he is not strong. He is not coping. He is not unanxious.

He is the most cowardly of all Malfoys. Pathetic. Weird.

Broken.

Who would ever want that?

 _Why are you still my friend?_ he wants to ask the wonderful boy who sits patiently with him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. But he doesn't. He's too scared of the answer.

He isn't sure why.

"Go back to sleep, Al. I'm fine," he mutters, trying to hide the fresh tears. But they leak out of his voice anyway and he's helpless.

"Are you sure? You haven't had these episodes for so long..."

Albus trails off, and Scorpius knows he fucked up. He didn't manage to keep his demons on the leash and now Albus has got a glimpse.

Scorpius doesn't want him to worry. He loves this boy happy. Albus' happiness seems to be the only ray of sunshine that manages to break through the everlasting dreary clouds in Scorpius' inner world nowadays. He has to protect it. At all costs.

"It happens, with stress. You know how I am. Come on, don't misuse your sleep time." He manages a weak smile, hoping that Albus will mistake the unnatural dimness of the gesture for sleepiness.

Only now he notices that Albus doesn't look fresh out of bed at all. Was he still awake before Scorpius woke up?

"Alright, not gonna fight," Al raises his hands playfully. "You sure you don't need me to, you know. Sleep with you tonight?"

Scorpius stifles a heavy sigh trying to push the surge of nostalgia away. "I'm sure. I'll be fine, silly, it's just my wayward mind, not an actual danger."

He jokes because he has to. He has to make sure that his darkness won't creep out and into Albus' life.

Judging by the look Albus is giving him, he's not buying it. Scorpius wouldn't be surprised: no one knows him better than Albus does.

**Author's Note:**

> In the world where everyone's fetish, apparently, is making Albus suffer, it's quite rare to find new Scorbus fics that are focused on Scorpius' suffering and not Albus'. I, for one, think that Scorpius' character in the CC lends him perfectly for that, what with his general anxiety, trauma, etc.  
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I might potentially write a follow-up, maybe, I don't know. For now, I have a few other Scorbus pieces I'd like to finally get done; that one just... happened, accidentally, while I was working on my other WIP. :P


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